Money, Money, Money

I’ve been really good with money for awhile now.  I’d started refocusing my savings efforts last year.  That was difficult and caused me a lot of stress.  While I knew/wanted to save at the time I didn’t realize it was a form of retail therapy and was really stressed.  Since I was stressed with some particularly huge woes, obviously I bought and bought and bought.  Which caused guilt.  Which caused more buying.  This year, with the realization that I was shopping heavily to distract myself from thinking about bad things came the effort to control that.  Kinda like I tell smokers.  If they can quit/stay quit during super tough/stressful times they can use that knowledge/pride/sense of accomplishment to help fight temptation during easier times.  If I could control it over the last six months, with all the guilt and hurt and anger, with the loss of Rowdy, the job and the anxiety that goes with all of this stuff I can build on that as things get better.  It got a lot better this year.  Partly because of the realization that it was retail therapy and because I was in a funk for a really long time I did get better.

I’ve accepted a job offer and am waiting for the background check and drug test to clear and will hopefully be starting within the next 2/3 weeks.  I’m a worrier by nature, so I won’t fully breathe easy until those come back clear even though I know I’ve committed no crimes and done no drugs.  But that was an added incentive to spend even less while I was unemployed.  It’s funny, the urge to spend is strong right now.  I’m having to fight the urge to buy everything and anything.  My mantra is if you don’t shop you won’t find things to want and if you don’t want you’ll be content.  I’m trying like crazy not to shop, not to even look.  New shoes, clothes, trinkets, new laptop, stuff for the house and gifts for others.  I don’t know if it’s retail therapy, if it’s some pent-up frustration that needs a release after being good for so long or what.  Not sure whether to continue to try to restrain the urge or make a calculated purchase, something I really need.


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