Foul!

If life were a boxing match 2014 would be disqualified for taking repeated cheap shots to my crotch.

Although there’d been ups and downs I was in a relationship with a great woman at the beginning of the year and was trying hard to figure out how NOT to screw it up.  I was doing some therapy and was trying to learn how not to blame her for sins from past relationships and how to open up as an introvert and be less compartmentalized and self contained.  That didn’t work out so well.  My puppy got out of the yard and was missing for five weeks before I got the word that he’d been hit by a car and killed.  My breathing has taken a downward turn, another soldier I knew committed suicide and now the rumor is that I’m going to be laid off at work.

My sister was here this last weekend.  It wasn’t the unconditional love of my puppy or a good woman or appreciation at work, but it was great to have family here and feel love.  And while there’s been a bit of doom and gloom crammed into the first four months of the year, there’s been some good as well. That stuff just doesn’t make me want to write a blog post, either so I’ll remember it later or so I can un-jumble some of the thoughts in my head.

This is one of the places where the religion thing gets tricky for me. The to believe/not believe and how to act upon that belief thing.

I’m kind of a go-getter in some ways. I’ll gripe about how enormous a task seems for awhile, but eventually I’ll knuckle down, break it into bite sized pieces and get it done. With the Army, some aspects of religion… hmmm, weren’t incompatible but were hard to reconcile with my position. I couldn’t just “trust in God”, I had to make things happen. Now though, it’s a little different. What does “trust in God” mean? That I’m not supposed to go looking for a job or a girlfriend? That I’m just supposed to sit on my couch and wait for both to fall in my lap? Or that I’m supposed to aggressively pursue both but will somehow get a sense for what is “right” and “pleasing” to God?

One of the most frustrating parts of religion is the “God spoke to me” aspect. I cannot express how frustrated I get when I hear people sincerely say that. What did that sound like? How did they know it was God? I keep thinking of the scene from “Real Genius” where they put the transmitter in Kent’s head and speak to him as God.  How are they sure that was God and not their own wants and needs speaking so strongly?

There were times in Iraq where intuition made me do things that I’m sure saved at least my life.  Was that intuition that a result of more than a decade of training, careful observation and good instincts?  Was that “God speaking to me”?  Did my God love me more than their God loved them?

I made the conscious decision to believe.  I could just as easily make the decision not to believe and use moments like this as justification not to.  But it’s funny.  It’s not just one decision.  It’s tons of smaller decisions that make up the whole.

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One Response to “Foul!”

  1. […] there’s been some rough stuff this year. And a lot of it has shaken me to my foundation. I wrote this post earlier but to recap:  puppy died, potential lay-off at work, relationship issues, breathing problems and […]

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