All about the angles…

Posted in dating, friends, life, love with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2018 by me

This past weekend was the Thanksgiving holiday weekend here in the US, so it was a long, much needed, four-day weekend.  Thursday night I spent recovering from the last couple of weeks of work and travel, saw a movie with The Boy, and basically chilled.  The next couple of days though, involved 3 first dates.  Which is actually a lot for me, but if you’re single and would prefer-to-not-be, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

Two of the women definitely knew how to play the angles.  One was significantly heavier than she appeared in her profiles, the other is a twin, and as sometimes happens with twins, one is super healthy, and the other has all the illnesses.  She was the one with an extensive and complicated medical history and looked super frail and thin in person.  I don’t think either one was maliciously trying to mislead anyone with their photo selection.  I say that they were playing the angles jokingly, and as an excuse to revive and show an old video.  The pictures I saw were definitely both them and both current, and yet at the same time, when I met them, I was very aware that there wasn’t a physical attraction to either.

I had a great time talking to each and getting to know them, and didn’t rush through either date early to end them early.  With each though, other things besides the physical attraction thing popped up that indicated a lack of compatibility.  The first one, the heavier one, just isn’t very active.  I’m not a fitness fanatic, but I do spend time biking, hiking, running, walking, etc.  I’d like to do some of those activities with someone and she has no interest in doing any of them.  Some of those activities I do because I have to, with my lung disease, and it’d be easier if I wasn’t tempted to just sit on the couch with my partner instead of doing the right thing.  We didn’t have a lot of common ground in other areas either, books, music, tv, religion or politics and she had some different views on parenting that aren’t compatible with mine.  Not that I’m planning on having more kids myself, but she’s got younger ones and if we dated more, at some point I’d be in their life.  The second woman is much more of a homebody than I am, not really enjoying road trips or spontaneous travel and exploring, and not wanting to venture downtown to meet me.

So I went into the third date consciously reminding myself to keep my expectations low.  Unlike the previous two outings, which had taken place on Friday and Saturday nights and didn’t have a set ‘end’ time, Sunday was just going to be a quick brunch as she had another engagement at noon.  The restaurant I picked opened at ten and was close-ish to her noon location.  I got there a little early and while waiting for the restaurant to open, another woman walked up to the parking lot where several of us were standing.  She was incredibly attractive, and un-characteristically for me, I nodded and smiled at her and said “Good morning”.  We talked for a few moments and I was almost sad that I had a date coming.

When my date showed up, I was a little surprised.  Again, the pics didn’t capture the real essence.  She’s a little pixie, does stand-up improv and is just a little frenetic.  I don’t know how’d you’d ever capture all that energy in a single photo.  She also doesn’t do shallow small talk, we went deep, fast.  There was a lot of *zing* and *click*.  Enough so, that I was a little worried that maybe the attraction was a little false, because we had so many similarities.  The two hours flew by, and I walked her to her next gig.

We texted a little that night, and the next day.  I was a little more aggressive than normal, very bluntly telling her I was attracted and pursuing.  For some reason that was well received.  We talked on the phone last night, and were refreshingly transparent with one another, just skipping a lot of the dating-games completely, and acknowledging that we were.

She talked about our first meeting (to her it wasn’t a date, just a meet & greet, our first date is Friday night) and said that I made her feel “small”.  In light of the recent #metoo movement, I was worried.  Did I somehow intimidate her (me?  really?)?  Did I talk over her?  Belittle or mock her somehow?  No, what she meant was that for the first time she was really aware of how small she was in a “different way”.  She felt…  feminine?  That was the best way she could describe it.  She was aware that she was very much a woman, I was very much a man, and there was a spark between us.

It was an interesting conversation and an exciting meeting.  Who knows where it’s going to go but, as with most things in life, it’s more about the ride and not the destination.

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Snowball

Posted in health, life, meditation, veteran, work, writing with tags , , , , , on November 28, 2018 by me

It’s funny.  I haven’t been blogging much lately, and it’s become a “chore” again.  It’s harder to gather my thoughts together and the stress/anxiety/difficulty of trying to convert the thoughts into keystrokes is creeping back in.  Stupid TBI.  I’m having to use some of my coping mechanisms, like saying a post aloud while driving to compose and revise it, then trying to get to this ‘zen’ spot where I can say and type it at the same time without conciously trying to think about writing/typing it out.  Giant pain in the ass, which = less posts, in a snowball effect.  The less I write, the harder it is, the less likely I am to write.  Lots and lots of posts have been started and abandoned at various spots in the process, no longer having the abilty to just sit and type and then revise on the screen frustrates and kills the process for me.  Not being able to do it for a pressure release, makes it harder to write for school and work.

No real point to this, just trying to document the struggle for future reference and get something out for the sake of getting something out.  Baby steps.

 

 

Bruce…

Posted in Uncategorized on November 24, 2018 by me

Man, I’ve talked about it before.  I never really listened to lyrics before, just the music.  The whole “When you’re happy, you hear the music, when you’re sad you hear the words” bit.  Lotta truth to that.  With a lot of my leather and art work lately, I’ve been holed up in my workshop, listening to music and songs I would’ve skipped in the past, I’ve let play and wash over me.  I’m not sad, but I am hearing more words now.

I was never a huge Bruce fan before.  There’s always been some of his songs that I didn’t hate tapping my toe to, but I never got the rabid fanaticism of his followers.  Then a couple of months ago I finally “heard” “I want to change my clothes, my hair my face” at just the right moment and it stuck with me.

I was a little mopey this weekend, and literally thought “Man, sometimes I’m just tired of being me” at one point.  Not in any kind of suicidal way or anything, just a tired of hearing some of the same self doubts and stories and my voice.  This morning I couldn’t get the thought of Dancing in the Dark out of my head, so I finally pulled up a youtube video of it where someone had typed the lyrics in:

Dancing in the Dark

I get up in the evening
And I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired
Man, I’m just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use just a little help

Chorus:
You can’t start a fire
You can’t start a fire without a spark
This gun’s for hire
Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
Radio’s on and I’m moving ’round the place
I check my looks in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man, I ain’t getting nowhere just living in a dump like this
There’s something happening somewhere
Baby I just know that there is

Chorus

You sit around getting older
There’s a joke here somewhere and it’s on me
I’ll shake this world off my shoulders
Come on baby the laugh’s on me

Stay on the streets of this town
And they’ll be carving you up all night
They say you gotta stay hungry
Hey baby I’m just about starving tonight
I’m dying for some action
I’m sick of sitting ’round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
Come on now baby gimme just one look

Chorus

You can’t start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun’s for hire

 

I do get some of it now.  Those are somewhat universally felt lyrics, people can relate to them.  Some brilliant writing.

 

 

 

Grocery Shopping

Posted in family, health, life, love, relationships with tags , , , , on October 6, 2018 by me

I still remember the first time I went to a Super Wal-Mart during or after my divorce alone.  I guess maybe it was right before the divorce, after my soon-to-be ex-wife moved out.  It was later at night, and I went for a couple of reasons.  Obviously, the house was half as full as it used to be, and she’d taken a bunch of cleaning supplies and the like with her.  And she’s a lot touchier/feelier than I am, so we frequently disagreed on which type of supplies around the house to get.  I normally gave-in to her, because she was the stay-at-home mom, but now that she was out, I was going to do things my way.  I also needed food to prep for the week when my son came over and lastly, it was just a large effort to fill time.  I was home alone and the house was unbearably quiet.

The grocery store experience was a little overwhelming.  Not because I’m incapable of grocery shopping alone, but the experience as a whole, the failed marriage, the thought of having to come up with 21 meals for my kid, figuring out how to get him to school and back, trying to figure his room and the living situations out andwondering if I’d ever date again.

I have had several long term relationships since the divorce, but they weren’t like I thought they’d be.  Which is probably something to think about later.  For whatever reason, most of them wouldn’t get into some type of living situation for me, it’d be a lot of packing a bag on the weekends, going over to the other’s and then going home.  More like a long-distance relationship instead of a serious, committed thing.  So I kept shopping alone, kept picking things for my house and kept my space, my space.

I was over at a friend’s house tonight, and on the way home stopped for groceries.  It’s easy to stop at night, it’s realtively empty and I can get in and out quickly without getting stressed by stupid people.  It’s pretty much a non-issue now.  I know what I’m doing and life’s a routine.  In fact, so much time has passed that my son is in college now, and shopping for things for himself.  So if anything it’s gotten easier, including the being alone part.

It’s funny.  Now I’m trying to decide if alone isn’t it.  Where it’s supposed to be that is.  I know this sounds a little melodramatic.  And I know that the minute I type this out, I’ll probably meet the great love of my life.  Or of this week at least.  But dating has been weird.  With the seizures and the break last year, things went pretty smoothly.  I dated K for a couple months this year, but that wasn’t hot, and it was an eye-opener.  At this age, there’s a scary, scary amount of women who want to have kids and will do anything to get pregnant.  With my son at 18, I’m in no rush to start over again with a baby.  The ones who don’t want kids, generally already have them.  There’s a couple of people with kids my son’s age, about to become empty nesters.  And there are a lot of people who are just a mess.  A lot of people who are in their late 30s-40s who have never been married are a hot mess.  There’s a reason why a lot of them are still single.

And my needs have gotten specific as I’ve gotten older.  Having dated so much since the divorce, I’ve definitely defined dealbreakers that I didn’t have before.  And so, between the the crazy in the dating pool at this age, and my not just wanting to date for sport, it seems like trying to be single and just enjoying life and not being so hopeful seems like a much better way of going about life.  The regular disappointments of dating is getting old.  K was a great woman, but naïve about life.  I didn’t want a project, I just wanted someone who I could get along with well.  And the holidays are right around the corner.  The same logic that kept me from dating over the last set of holidays holds true this year as well.

 

 

I’m a Circus Freak

Posted in health, life, veteran with tags , , , on October 1, 2018 by me

So.  For the last couple of years I’ve had this weird bump on my tooth.  I’ve been able to feel it when I run my tongue over it and I’ve wondered what it is.  Sometimes I feel it with dental floss.  It’s worried me, I didn’t know if maybe I’d cracked my tooth or something.  I mentioned it to a dentist once and he kind of blew it off, but it’s always been there.

I have a new dentist now at the VA.  Hot-dentist.  Last year when she was fixing a tooth and things kept going wrong and I had to see her six times for a procedure that should’ve only taken two visits it was mostly awesome.  Except for, you know…  the pain and discomfort.  I had a visit with her last week.  And since it was more of a “Hey, let’s check things out” visit and less of a “this is kind of an emergency procedure” visit she saw the bump.

Turns out it’s a baby tooth that never fell out or got pulled.  And now, after all these years, it’s attached itself to the bone/root of the tooth next to it.  So it’s not coming out.  Not easily at least.  And not without a bit of pain according to hot-dentist.  Which, you know, it’s kind of tempting to do anyways because it’d be more time with her, but I suppose that’s silly and adults don’t do that.

It’s weird though, now that I know what it was, I can “feel” it better in my mind when my tongue glides over it.  And even though it’s supposedly somewhat common, now that I know about it, it kind of weirds me out a little bit.  And I mean a VERY little bit.  But enough that it just pops up in my head every now and again.  I’m sure in another couple of days I’ll forget all about it.  But until then.  Ewwww.  I’m a freak!

I can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes…

Posted in bed, health, home, life, veteran with tags , , , , , , on September 14, 2018 by me

I don’t typically remember my dreams.  The interesting thing though, is that while I was on hiatus this spring/summer, I started to remember more than usual.

, For years, I’ve had nights where I’ll wake up and be sweaty.  I like having the room kind of cold and burrowing under the blankets, so I assumed I was just overheating.  I woke up this week a couple times like that, one night really bad.  Just completely drenched, pillow was soaked, I had to change my tee-shirt and boxers and it dawned on me, when I realized my heart was racing and I was twitchy, it wasn’t over-heating, it was a damned nightmare.  Duh, that’s why the sheets and blankets were a mess, I was thrashing around.

Of course, because I can’t remember my dreams, I have no idea what the nightmare was about.  Was it PTSD?  Or just a normal, run-of-the-mill nightmare?  Vampires and monsters or standing up in front of the class and realizing I was naked?

 

Dad

Posted in family, health, home, life, love with tags , , , , , on September 9, 2018 by me

I had a phone call with my Dad the other day.  I’d gone a roadtrip the day before and realized that my brakes needed work.  I was griping to him about it and mentioned that he really needed to get this brake tool from Harbor Freight.  Earlier in the year, a co-worker needed her brakes worked on and instead of just being a typical piston and caliper setup, her pistons were threaded and the pistons rotated as they move in and out.  To retract them back in to change the pads, you’ve got to screw them back in.  You can do it with various tools around your garage but it’s a little bit of a pain.  If you get this tool from Harbor Freight it’s easier.  But you can use it on traditional pistons/calipers as well.  And it speeds up a regular brake job.  It’s easier than using a jumbo screw driver, or c-clamps or whatever cobbling methods shade-tree mechanics like me use.

So I was telling my Dad that he should get this tool and he said that he didn’t think he was going to be doing that many more brake jobs.  He said it really matter-of-factly, and he meant it matter-of-factly.  And it just hit me really hard.  There was a cold logic to it that probably made it a little worse.  He’s got all relatively new cars now, mom doesn’t drive anywhere near as much as he does.  So how many brake jobs are left to do?  But he also meant that it’s probably silly for him to be doing them.  A lot of time he’s home alone because mom’s working, and although nothing has ever happened when he’s done brakes, it doesn’t mean something won’t.  And he’s got money.  So if a car needs a brake job, he’s going to run it into a shop and let them do it.

Even if it doesn’t mean death is right around the corner (and God, I hope it’s not.  Fuck.), it’s a major change to the status quo.  My Dad never paid for someone to do things that he could do himself, not even when he had plenty of money to comfortably afford it.  This isn’t just my acknowledgement of his mortality, it’s his as well.  He’s slowing down and acknowledging that the end is relatively near.

There’s a fair bit of suck to this.  Even if it is inevitable for all of us.